I Knew I Didn't Like Thursdays

It could have been worse. They could have told me last Thursday and ruined my birthday weekend. And I even had a hunch I'd be a casualty, saving all of my writing samples on CD on Tuesday just in case.

And I was right.

This week, starting on Wednesday, about 70 people were told they were getting laid off this week at work. On Thursday, I became one of them. I have no deep, profound statements to make. It simply sucks.

I spent more than ten years trying to find the perfect job. I had no idea it would involve a cut in pay, a change in scenery and an opportunity to rub elbows with the people I read every day in the paper. I'd never been happier going to work every day, loved the fun, encouraging environment of my department that helped me thrive every day. I received compliments from my peers and had built trust among the people who had not always trusted my predecessor and finally, people in all platforms were understanding my role and intentions.

And for nothing. Sure, it's about bottom line and I realize that if you don't contribute obviously to revenue, you don't help solve the money problem. But last time I checked, newspapers were trying to increase readership, too, and how do you do this if you don't give people a reason to pick up the paper in the first place, if you don't remind readers how pleasurable the experience of sitting down and reading the newspaper is?

It's like they've already given up. And that makes me sad - for everyone still remaining.

Since yesterday, I've been sorting through everything in my head. And I've been surprisingly strong. As I've told friends at work, I think it's because I understand I had no control over what happened to me. I didn't cause this and my performance didn't warrant it. I produced good work every day, I worked hard, I was loyal and trustworthy and reliable. And this is how I am rewarded for it. My role may have been eliminated but if those above me really did believe I was too good of an employee to lose, they wouldn't be attempting to build a new role - they would have already secured another place for me in this company. How can I be expected to put faith into a position that doesn't exist? It saddens me that if they truly felt so highly of me, they would have re-directed me elsewhere in the company or in one of our partner platforms. But they didn't.

So, I try not to think about it too often because when I dwell on what's happening, I naturally get upset and worry about what's to come. The most touching part of all of this has been the responsiveness from people I work with every day. People from the newsrooms at all three media companies have been so nice to me - coming over, emailng, sharing their concern about the decision to let me go. It's been overwhelming how supportive everyone has been.

I'll still be finishing up my stay for the next three weeks, and I know it will be awkward and tough at times. Some days I'll do better than others. Like today for instance. After yesterday afternoon's shock, puffy eyes and messed-up contact lenses, I woke up this morning determined to hang in there. It would be the first time chatting with the department since the bad news. I tried to stay strong and as positive as I could be and I did really well up until late this afternoon. I received a really thoughtful note from one of my colleagues. I didn't look at it until after everyone had left for the night. I opened it, read it and started bawling like a baby - again.

I know I'll move on but it's going to be a slow process and impatient me is going to have to take it one day at a time. First, there came shock. Then, deep sadness and disappointment. Now, I guess I'm in the angry phase, but again I have to let it go. There's nothing I can do about it and it will only make me sick to think about it.

The weekend's almost here and with it, a chance at a little peace and time away from this place.