Oh, To Be A Teen Again

When I was a teen, I couldn't wait to outgrow it. Now, I long for those much simpler days. I recently caught one of my favorite movies, Sixteen Candles on TV and it reminded me of those mushy, gushy feelings we expect to experience when everything is new and everything new we do seems strange and excitingly mysterious.

When we grow up, everything new becomes frightening and could turn into a big mistake. It's funny how our perspectives change. We're actually a lot wiser when we're younger and less afraid of the consequences. Sure, we take some chances but we go with our gut, with our heart and logic, bank statements and what our neighbors or co-workers will think are not as paramount to the issue.

Aah...and remember this big moment?

For most of us girls hitting puberty, this was the ultimate moment. When the boy you wanted, wanted you back. Who wouldn't want to be Samantha on that dining room table, even after the day from Hell she'd had prior to it? It's the fantasy of every young girl who has a crush on the older hunky boy at school and it was fun to see that again twenty years later.

I happened to move some old keepsakes from one storage case to a different one today, to move some Christmas decorations. And sure, I stopped to look them over. I discovered my diaries from 1983 and could have sat there all night reading them if only I'd had the time. I found my scrapbook that I made documenting my college trip to Europe, summer of 1989. I found old friends' letters and even some from my grandmother who's since passed away.

It was both exciting to see what else I'd find and a little eerie. I don't feel like that same person. The shy, studious and quiet kid I was while growing up and going to school is still a part of me and it's taught me to be reserved when necessary, creative when essential and a listener when it makes sense. But I'm defined by so much more now. The pain of an early failed relationship (divorced by age 23)- struggles with my own weight and body image issues throughout my entire life - and this constant inner feeling of awkwardness, like I've never really belonged to my era has always been with me. I've always felt like I was born at the wrong time, you know? I relate more to people older than me - have always dated people older than me - and so I've constantly felt out-of-place.

When I read through these old journals and diaries, I hear a teenager who can't wait for that awkwardness to go away and sense the certainty that some day I'll fit in and always know how to do the right things. Now, as an adult, I'm a little disheartened because the reality is - uh, nope, still the same awkward kid I once was, I've just learned some coping mechanisms for dealing with it and ways to distract people from it! Namely - a sense of humor! It has been the only thing that's saved me.

So, Samantha, too may be all grown up but something tells me that somewhere she too is still longing for easier days with Jake Ryan, missing panties in the hands of the resident geek and grandparents invading your bedroom.

(Of course, now Jake is a stay-at-home dad, the geek's a successful psychic solving mysteries and unfortunately, grandma and grandpa are pushing up the daisies.)

Oh well, maybe I should just pack up this old stuff before I depress myself even further.